Toddlers tend to “play” side by side rather than directly with one another. That’s not to say, however, that your child won’t grab a toy from another child—or even bite or hit another kid. While it’s tough to be the parent of the “victim,” it’s also stressful to be the parent of the “aggressor.”
Get Wise below about what to do if your child acts aggressively towards another child.
When the Aggressor Is Your Own Flesh & Blood
Toddlers tend to act on impulse, and some have more trouble with impulse control than others. Below are 5 Ways to Improve Your Toddler’s Emotional Regulation Skills:
1. Let Go of Labels and Dig Deeper.
When your kiddo hits or bites another child, it doesn’t mean they’re a “problem child.” If it’s a one-off, just say “no biting, that hurts” or “no hitting, that hurts” and move on. If there’s a pattern of aggressive behavior, however, try to figure out what’s causing the underlying frustration.
For Example:
- Does your child have a speech delay? If so, they may be struggling to express their wants and needs verbally.
- Do they have an older sibling who is modeling rough-and-tumble behavior?
- Is your child sleep-deprived?
- Is your little one getting sick?
Be a detective and seek out the root of the problem (instead of chalking it up to personality).
2. Teach Impulse Control.
You may have heard of the famous “marshmallow test,” which challenged kids to resist the temptation to eat a marshmallow when they were left alone in a room. If they waited, they got a second marshmallow. If not, they only got the first marshmallow.
This study showed that the kids who didn’t eat the marshmallow (i.e. the ones who exhibited better impulse control and delayed gratification) were more successful as adults. Even though subsequent studies suggest that other factors (such as socioeconomic factors) played a role in who ate the marshmallow, impulse control is clearly an important skill to have.
Are you convinced your child would immediately shove an entire bag of marshmallows into their mouth if given the chance? If so, don’t worry. Kids can learn impulse control over time.
To teach your toddler impulse control, start by modeling it yourself. For example, show your child how to pause before reacting. Do this by waiting a beat before fulfilling their request or by taking a breath before responding to an emotional outburst.
Over time, your child will learn to resist their initial impulses (to hit, yell, scream, and bite) and will find ways to resolve conflicts more peacefully. For example, instead of whacking a child for taking their toy, your child will learn to simply ask for the toy back. Reality Check: This can take a little while to get the hang of and may require a bit (or a LOT) of patience on your part.
Sneak Peek: A popular tool for teaching school-aged kids about impulse control and how to name their emotions is “The Zones of Regulation.” Check out this concept here.
Media Fun: If you haven’t heard of the marshmallow test or you just need a good laugh, check out this video.
3. Set Up Supervised Play Dates.
Practice (sort of) makes perfect when it comes to learning to play with others. Therefore, consider having a (nonjudgmental) friend and their child come over for a play date. Keep the play date short, sweet, and supervised to make it a success.
In addition to play dates, try role-playing different situations. Role-playing gives your child a “script” to fall back on when they’re in new or stressful situations.
4. Avoid Rewarding the “Bad” Behavior With Big Energy.
Keep your reaction to a minimum when your child does something naughty to another child. Instead of making a scene, quietly apologize on your child’s behalf and remove your child from the situation.
PediaTip: Resist the urge to “force” your child to apologize. Why? Because it will just teach your kiddo to “fake apologize” when they make a mistake.
5. Don’t Sweat It Too Much.
As kids get older, they naturally find healthier ways to express their frustrations (e.g. through words vs. hitting). While it never hurts to steer our kids in the right direction, they often work out the kinks on their own as they mature.
The Bottom Line
If impulse control continues to be a major issue for your child and they get stuck in a rut of destructive or aggressive behavior, let the pediatrician know. In this case, the doctor may recommend occupational therapy for your child. Why’s That? Because most occupational therapists are trained in the art of impulse control and teach kids concrete tools help them get a better handle on their emotions.
