When we feel triggered, it’s important to create some “space” between our feelings and our reactions so that we can be more intentional about how we respond to what’s going on around us. This is especially important when communicating with our kids in situations where emotions are running high.
So, how do we “create space?”
Answer: We use the power of the pause.
By PAUSING, we can override our initial fight, flight, or freeze response and be more deliberate about our actions.
Below is one technique for how to do this…
Here’s a Scenario:
Say your child has a huge meltdown and throws a toy at you.
The First Impulse:
It’s common (and natural) to feel a flash of emotion in response to this action (think: anger, fear, hurt, shame, etc.). But this is just the old reptilian part of our brain telling us the situation is “not safe” (which is what it was designed to do).
In response to this emotion, we often go straight into our heads and tell ourselves a story about it. For example, a parent may say to themselves “My child is a hot mess. What’s wrong with them?” “I’m such a bad parent. What’s wrong with me?” “I can’t deal with this anymore.” “No one appreciates how hard I work.” And so on. All of this happens in the blink of an eye.
Responding With a Pause vs. Reacting:
So what can we do? As mentioned above, the trick in this situation, is to PAUSE before you react and to “stay in your body” rather than follow the storyline in your head. One way to do this is to physical and mentally PAUSE and adopt a yoga pose called “mountain pose.” This is not a twist-into-a-pretzel type of yoga pose. Instead, it’s a subtle “grounding” pose that you can do on the down-low, without anyone knowing (if you don’t want them to).
Here’s What It Looks Like…
To Do Mountain Pose:
1. Stand tall and strong with your feet together.
2. Distribute your weight equally between your feet.
3. With your arms alongside your body, turn your palms so that they face forward.
4. Focus on feeling the bottoms of your feet and how they’re connected to the earth.
5. Then take 5 slow breaths in this position.
6. After the breaths, notice how you feel and decide whether (or not) you’re ready to respond intentionally (vs. reactively). If you need more time and space, that’s ok, just take some more breaths. It’s important that you take care of yourself first in this situation, before you start parenting.
“I stand tall…like a tree upon this earth,
while the stories of fear and false beliefs
flow past me like leaves being
carried in the wind.
~K.G. Bell
