Let’s be honest, public tantrums are the pits. As parents, we try to ignore the stares of onlookers (which run the gamut of pitying to judgmental), but it’s tough to hold your head high when your child is rolling around on the floor making a scene. In these moments, our fight-or-flight response kicks in and we either want to curl up on the ground and play dead or pick up our screaming child and get the hell out of there.
Sound Familiar?
Although you won’t be able to completely avoid public freak-outs during the toddler years, there are certain tips & tricks that you can use to try to minimize their frequency and intensity.
Here are the Top 5 Tips for Managing Public Tantrums
1. Take Care of Yourself First.
Unless you’re Buddha himself, you’re probably going to get emotionally triggered by your child’s public tantrums. This is because they rattle the primitive parts of our brain and trigger feelings of shame, embarrassment, frustration, and anger.
Although it may seem paradoxical, you need to soothe yourself first before you can effectively parent your child. So, take a deep breath, give yourself a mental hug, and comfort the reptilian part of your brain that’s screaming “danger.” Once you’re calm(ish), you’ll be less tempted to feed the tantrum fire with your own emotions.
2. Make a “Location” Choice.
You Have 2 Choices When it Comes to Location:
- Ride out the tantrum where you are,
OR
- Remove your kiddo from the scene and go somewhere more private.
How Do I Decide?
Option 1: Let Your Child Make the Choice (Using Natural Consequences).
For example, you can say, “If you continue to be this upset, then we have to leave. If not, we can stay. What’s your choice?” Don’t offer an option that you’re not willing to honor, though. For example, if you’re in a grocery store and you have a full cart, you may not want to leave for good. In this case, your child can chill out in the car with you for a bit (if an option), before returning to the store.
Option 2: If Your Child is Too Far Down the Tantrum Rabbit Hole to Make a Decision, Make the Decision For Them.
Reality Check: While going somewhere private sounds great in the moment, sometimes the act of getting to the private location causes additional problems. For example, are you going to have to drag your kid across the floor to get to the private spot? Just something to think about. How well the “relocation” process goes depends on your child’s temperament and the intensity of the tantrum.
3. Know That Tantrums are a Sign That Your Child is Overstimulated, Not That You’re a Bad Parent (or That Your Little One Is a Bad Kid).
Parents tend to feel like their child’s tantrums are a reflection of their parenting skills, which they’re not. Instead, treat the tantrum as a sign that your child needs help regulating their emotions in the moment.
4. Be a Detective.
Try to figure out what’s causing the tantrum and say it out loud. For example, if you think your child is hungry, you can say, “I wonder if you’re hungry? Let’s find some food for you.” This helps your child put a name to what they’re feeling and offers a solution to the problem. Over time, your child will internalize this practice and will learn to identify their emotions and solve problems independently.
5. Try to Tame the Actual Tantrum.
There’s no stopping some tantrums. Runaway tantrums tend to occur when kids are overly tired or just need to blow off steam. As a parent, you may have to ride out this type of tantrum (while saying a mantra to yourself, like, “we’re ok”).
Other Tantrums Can Be Curtailed. Here Are Some Tactics You Can Use to Stop a Tantrum in Its Tracks.
- Give Space (But Stay Close By): Some kids just “need a moment” to collect themselves and self-soothe. If you notice that your child is trying to settle down on their own, give them the time and space to do so.
- Offer a Diversion: Try to redirect your child’s attention by offering them a job to do or something to hold. Of course, they may scream “NO!” to the job idea or throw the toy on the floor, but it’s worth a try.
- Do Something Funny or Unexpected: Tell a joke or make a goofy face. Being silly can sometimes break the tension or surprise your kid so much that they stop crying. Although this can be a risky move, it works in some cases.
- Offer a Hug: Some kids just need a hug when their emotions are spinning out of control.
- Avoid Bribery: It’s often tempting to tell your child that you’ll give them a treat or a prize if they’ll just be “good” (i.e. if they’ll be quiet and not embarrass you anymore). While this often works in the short term, it teaches your child that if they make a scene in public, you’ll reward them for it. We’ve all done it, just try not to make it a habit.
The Bottom Line
Tantrums are a normal phenomenon during the toddler years (and beyond). Our goal as parents is not to have “perfectly” behaved children (who are repressing their feelings of anger, frustration, and fear), but to teach our kids how to regulate their emotions and express them in a “healthy” way.
